Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
