I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
