didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
