Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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