If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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