I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Randomize
