alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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