You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
