when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
