According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
