why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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