I just saw a hot homeless man
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
