yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Randomize
