I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
