did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
