We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
