textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
pop tarts are not kleenex
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
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