Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize