What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
