Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
