Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
