This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
The feeling are messing with the penis
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
