she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
