i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
