I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Drunk is a universal language darling
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
