Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I will pee on everything he values.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
