true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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