I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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