I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
