I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
