I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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