Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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