As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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