yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
