Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
