Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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