It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
