i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
