imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
