Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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