She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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