I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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