i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
either way he was missing a nipple.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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