We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
