you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
you will always have a special place in my vag
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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