my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
