oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
