Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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