If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
