nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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