what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
