I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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