I just threw up on my dentist
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
