i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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