i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
