Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
