My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
