We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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