You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
